i really like him and i hoped that he feels the same.
sometimes that hope becomes so strong that it gives me false ideas.
i felt that he is extra sweet, extra kind, extra caring and so on.
it seems that he always has that "extra" when it comes to me though
i know for a fact that it is still his normal self. nevertheless, i
still anticipated and believed that though he is not saying it,
he feels that i am, at that moment, is special to him.
that is my dream and i told myself not to wake up from that fantasy.
just enjoy those moments that we are together and keep on pretending
that we have something special. but feelings of discontent started to
show up. i want to ask for a return for the feelings i have. instead
of just loving, i also wanted to be loved. that started my roller coaster
emotional status. it makes me so happy for the littlest act of kindness he
does but later on throws my emotions to a pit at those moments when i think
he could show more concern. though my life became totally lost, at the end
of the day, i still feel relieved since the "make-believe
special relationship" we have has a chance to be a reality tomorrow.
but a dream cant last eternally. there is always the time when you should
wake up. unluckily for me, i woke up from my dream not because i wanted to
but because he gave me a reason to wake up from it. reality really hits hard
at those times when you wanted it to strike you calmly. learning that he is
actually in a real relationship with someone else is the hardest reality i ever
have to deal with. for the first time in my life,i learned that jealousy is
the worst feeling that a person can put unto you. the most unfair part of it is,
i know to myself that i dont have the right to feel that way. the world at that
moment seems so mean and cruel that i cant take it wholeheartedly. therefore,
i relied to denial. i keep on thinking that to wait is the best option to do.
but as time goes by, i realized that waiting is just for circumstances when you
stand by for something that you are expecting to come. in my case, the expected
part is missing or should i say totally inexistent. so i started to grieve for
the hope i tightly held on from the start which eventually died out at the very
moment i began to accept. though "getting over you" stage is hard, i am trying
my hardest to let go but everything takes time, even mending a stupid heart.

so as a written agreement, starting today i will learn to forget about YOU!
the "you" in the songs crazy for you, falling for you and all i want for christmas
is you, is no longer YOU anymore.

okay! back to fangirling~

new journal layout with matching mood theme!

oh yes. i am now completely addicted to those five old gay idols {aka ARASHI}

actually, i am secretly watching all of their PVs since 2005. I am just too embarrassed to admit it to others would you believe that the first ever Jpop I was able to completely sing was Sakura Sake! but i am now out of the closet {no, im not gay!}

but, fangirling over them is so difficult! they are so popular that they have over 100 tv shows. well, they are already 10 years in the business. that means, they started singing and dancing in their colorful and shining sequined outfits since 1999. that time i am still in elementary, perfecting the method of how to be a grade conscious! ahehe.. evil classmate! won't let my classmates copy not even my assignments.

back to the topic, downloading is so difficult with my 2gb memory. sigh! but im so broke right now. i dont have the capabilities to afford a cd. sadness! but youtube is so nice! they have plenty of arashi stuff. but my favorite so far is the we can make it parody. the owner really is a JE addict {oh no! envy lurks} she knows a lot! well i know them too since I know that she knows it. wahaha. i totally lack communication skills so please bear with me. but the parody makes fun of them, which is so nice. that means, fangirls love their idols despite their flaws. cheesy..

Tags: arashi

to all my JE boys, gomen~

i got distracted with a lot of stuff that i forgot where my heart belongs to <sadness>

i thought my life would feel happier if i will engross with my social life and start hanging out with my friends.
but they can't give me the completeness i feel every time i finish watching Jdramas and idol concerts.

i thought my heart will feel satisfied if i will spend more time flirting with my tangible crush.
but he can't give me the dokidoki feeling every time i surf youtube and find a fanvid about ARASHI's bakaness and group ai.

i thought my time will be more worthwhile if i will try enjoying other things such as doing chick flick movies, one tree hill addiction, falling in love with non-JEs (kanata hongo, haruma miura, mukai osamu, kaname jun?), and (WARNING: this is a major embarrassment) fangirling over girl groups.
but those can't give me the satisfaction I feel every time I complete all my downloads stored in my bitcomet list.

sigh..

so let the fangirling begin!

<do you know that I am now a big Arashi fan? Why? Because Ohno Satoshi is so kawaii!>

Chisato Mineta is a 20-year-old homeless girl who moves about from parks to net cafes. Her mother died of illness, and when her father disappears after earning an incredible 100 million Yen debt, she is chased out of her home. Chisato spends her life running from debt collectors, but one day, she meets the president of a huge toy company, who agrees to pay off her debts if she marries him. Chisato now finds herself as the young mother of six eccentric sons, all adopted as successors to the company by the president. However, each son has hidden himself away from the rest of the family--and none are eager to welcome their new mother.


A 28-year old female magazine editor who is tired of work and feels she doesn't have a life is assigned to be in charge of a very popular cartoonist with a most lovely name, Yuriko Hanazono. But as she goes to Hanazono's residence, she is met by four men who seem to be her assistants. Then it turns out those four men are brothers who form a team named Yuriko Hanazono by taking roles to create popular comics. In this heartwarming comedy, the exhausted editor may find out the key to being happy while she is being driven crazy by this unique gang of brothers.

CURRENTLY WATCHING 

This is a set of little love ("love-love") stories at Phoenix high school centered on the bigger love story of Natsu and Taichi. 

15-year-old Yoko is constantly tormented by her self-centered and devilish older sister Makiko, who works for a government office after having graduated from a famous university. But despite her ill nature, Makiko's actions tend to somehow make things better for those around her, causing others to praise her as an "ally of justice." And because of all her sister's evil attitude, Yoko longs to be free for once in her life without her sister tormenting her. Because of this, she takes it upon herself to get her sister married so she can move out. However, like most things in her life, her plan backfires on several occasions and hardly anything changes. And as if all of that wasn't enough, there is a boy called Riku who always teases her by calling her the nickname her sister often refers to her. In the end it turns out that this boy has a major crush on her. He ends up becoming one of her best friends in which she releases her pent up stress about how she is always having to bow down at her sister's heels.

TO WATCH IN THE FUTURE
==This is currently airing==
Kamiya Naoki is a salaryman who belongs to his company's basketball team. Despite his appearance, he is completely weak under pressure when it comes to work and romance. Although he has a girlfriend, he falls in love with a spirited and cheerful woman who is unable to be straightforward.

==This is currently airing ==

Ryuzaki Shinji who possesses a “God Hand”, the power to heal wounds and illnesses just by touching the patient, is in fact a dark introvert who does not reveal his true self to others. Aoi Ryosuke who possesses the “Demon’s Hand”, the power to kill a person just by touching him, is as kind and pure as an angel. When the demon meets the God, a fatal battle begins.
 

Otomen

(Okada Masaki, Kaho, Seto Koji)
 

==This is currently airing==
The story centers around the popular high school boy Masamune Asuka, the top kendo fighter in the nation. However, beneath his cool exterior, he is actually fond of sweets and shojo manga, and is skilled in sewing and cooking. When he instantly falls for the transfer student Miyakozuka Ryo, his secret is in danger of being exposed.

Im tired of doing all of this!
Thanks to wikipedia and dramawiki for all the plot summaries.

it has been a while since i felt this way!

Kanata Hongo is the latest chosen one.


kyaa~